If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
