hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
