You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
