New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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