that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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