I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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