if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
