we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
