nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
