I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
