lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
