I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
