I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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