I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
