I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
