I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
