I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
