I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
