I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
