I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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