Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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