the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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