it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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