my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
do herpes really smell.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
