I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
