He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
