im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
