i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
