what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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