I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
