Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
