can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So here I am, sexting at work.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
