dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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