guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
