The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
