I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
