someone threw a dead crab at me
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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