I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
