planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize