Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
