I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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