I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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