Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
