Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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