he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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