there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
