I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
