My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
