just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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