matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
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