Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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