Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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