i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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