I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
