I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
