I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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