I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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