i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
