I think I won the penis lottery.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
