The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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