i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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