I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
