Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
