i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize