the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Boobs speak an international language.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
