I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
