Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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