I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
